Guns, Lies, and Videotape

Teen Mom 2 Season 8 Episode 12

"Road Rage"

Previously-

I’m still working on the recap from last week. I’m sorry guys. Shit is Bananas in the Teen Mom universe this week and I have many, many goodies forthcoming. Damn my real job for getting in the way of this blog!

I'll update with a link to the previous episode recap when I get it posted.

Jenelle- 

I’m starting with Jenelle, because I, unlike MTV, won’t make you wait for the good stuff. Here comes the infamous road rage incident. I told you they were foreshadowing! Jenelle is bringing Jace back from another therapy appointment. She seems harried and she’s singing a song about her car being a mess. Is this the first time I am relating to Jenelle? Jace says homeless people will eat the fries she is chucking out the window. 

Jace grabs some paperwork from when Jenelle had an ID updated after getting married and changing her name and says “what the heck?” Jace says he wants to change his last name. He’s probably thinking of changing it to something cool like “Space Cowboy,” but Jenelle seizes the opportunity to ask him if he wants to change it to Eason. Jace immediately shuts this down and I laugh out loud. Nice try, Jenelle. He’s not drinking your kool-aid. He likes Coke and strawberry daiquiris. He says he wants it to be something better, a good name. I continue lolling. I fucking love Jace. She says that “you have to have the name that your parents have.” Jace asks why she chose Evans for his last name and Jenelle says it is because Andrew wasn’t around. 

At this point, you can hear and see the other car speeding up to pass Jenelle. But the driver can’t pass because there is another car in front of him. They both get quiet. I can’t tell exactly what Jenelle is doing. You can hear her signal turn on and off. They both get quiet and Jace turns around to look at the other car. It looks like he is not sitting flat. “Dude, are you kidding me right now? This dude, behind me. Dude, I will go so slow if he doesn’t stop tailgating me. I will go slow the whole way.” Jace is sitting far up in his seat now. I will give her this: Jace turns around to look because he’s curious and I do hear her say “sit back please.” Jace says “he’s trying to get closer.” “Won’t let him,” says Jenelle “cause now he’s stuck.”

So much for that plan, because the truck flies up on the right, passes them, and from the way she slams on her brakes, stops short to give her a taste of her own medicine. “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME DUDE? OH MY GOD!” Her hands don’t even appear to be on the wheel as she looks for her phone. She commands Jace to give her his phone. She starts to dial while driving and we cut to commercial break. Since the episodes we see are approximately a million years old by the time we watch them, we know that she is calling 911. 

In case we missed it the first time, we repeat the passing scene again. Jace hands Jenelle his phone and asks Jenelle if she is calling 911. “You should,” he says and crosses his arms. He looks just like Barb.

"Well, Mom, I seen you wif Kieffah the NRA"

We hear the 911 call. Jenelle mentions that he slammed on his brakes going about 70 miles per hour. That seems a little fast, but I’m not the highway patrol. Her voice cracks as she says that she almost had to veer off the side of the road. She’s speeding as she’s talking and turning off an on her signal. You can tell that she is trying to keep up with him. Jenelle hangs up the phone. Jace says “And he does it again.”

Awww shit! The screen goes black and we get a text message:

It’s on, you guys. It is ON! Jenelle takes off her seatbelt while driving. It took me two watches to figure out that she was grabbing her gun.

She’s driving through a residential neighborhood. Jace offers to whip the guy with his nerf gun “If he tries to hurt you.” Jenelle gets back on the phone. She’s calling David. I’m sure the police advised her that they would handle the situation and to go on about her business. But Jenelle always needs David’s input. She’s screaming into the phone retelling the story and says Jace almost got whiplash and almost banged his head. She starts filming, with both hands while driving. With her son. Whose safety she is so concerned with. 

UBT asks “where you at?” She says she’s in front of his house. This is already a bad scene, and we haven’t even gotten to the gun yet. She’s shouting, basically daring him to start shit. WITH HER SON IN THE CAR. She starts shouting to someone in the driveway that she’s got three cameras in the car “They got the whole thing!” A man starts yelling and Jenelle says “Okay, I just called the law on you!” “You were tailgating me, you dumbass!” Following a stranger that cut you off is a smart idea.

She starts driving again, still no seatbelt. David asks where she is as she crashes into something. 

“Oops, my bad!” Jenelle taunts as the guy is yelling in the background. “I didn’t mean to do that she shouts out the window. The guy is heated. I guess the guy was still in his car, and he pulls up in front of her. Most likely so she can’t get away while he waits for the police. We know that he made two calls himself. “Dude, babe, he just hit my car!” “Dude he just hit my car!” Babe, he just hit my fucking car!” “Dude!” Here comes another text screen:

And commercial break! And we’re back! Jenelle’s screaming into the phone to David that the guy will not let her leave. UBT has still not managed to piece together that she is in front of dude’s house. She says she is in the middle of his road “and now he’s leaving babe!” She finally decides to put her fucking seatbelt back on. Jace looks shook. In a rare moment of clarity, David says “Well don’t fucking goddamn follow him.”  “You call the police, you don’t follow people.” Sage wisdom.

She tries to plead her case and tells him that she backed over his mailbox by mistake and now he’s pissed. “That’s why you can’t follow people.” That’s why?!? 

“Now he’s fucking following me,” says Jenelle as she tears down the road like a bat out of hell. Turnabout is fair play, Jenelle.  Jace seems to be alternating between fear and trying to calm down his egg donor. He says the car has left.

Jenelle’s screaming into the phone about the damage to her precious car as her son, thankfully unharmed, sits next to her. David is yelling at her about being an idiot, rightfully, god, what am I saying? She’s never in the mood to self-reflect, so she actually hangs up on him. People forget that Jenelle flies into rages all by herself. I’m still waiting to see the mental gymnastics that Barb will perform to blame this on David. I already know, she’ll say it’s because he got her into guns.

Jenelle needs to tell this story again to someone who will kiss her ass, so she calls Kristen. She mentions that a cop is behind her. When he pulls her over, the waterworks turn on and she tells Kristen to come to the highway. She rolls down the window. The cop asks her how she’s doing. She says that she’s not too good. The cop says “I see your pistol, do me a favor, please don’t grab it.” YIKES! Jenelle folds her arms in compliance.  

Jenelle breaks into her sob story. The cop asks Jace “How you doing buddy?” “Good,” he says. Oh, buddy, good is the last thing you are right now! In this version, Jenelle swerved into the grass. I thought you almost swerved. Jace is shaking his head in agreement, trying to protect his mother. She makes sure to mention that he almost hit his head, for sympathy purposes. Jace stares into space and I wish I could drive into this episode and drop him off at Barb’s house.

When you're so over your mom's bullshit

She conveniently leaves out running down dude’s mailbox and cuts right to him blocking her in so she can’t leave. The cop asks her to step out and show the damage. I want him to be arresting her, but I know that the lucky court star is shining bright and that he’s buying what she’s selling. So there Jace sits, alone in the car, with a gun, that’s almost certainly loaded. 

 

He calls Barb and tells her what happened. There's already a sneak peek for next week we're Jenelle tries to tell him she didn't pull out a gun. Like there's not evidence or anything.

 Chelsea-

Chelsea takes Watson to a museum and there’s a bunch of low-quality dinosaurs. 

"Hello, I'm dead!"

She goes to Lunch with Glamma Mary and they talk about her pregnancy cravings. She feels better than she did with her second pregnancy. Mary asks if Adam has asked to see Aubree since the last time they were in court. That’s a big fat NO. She says it has been a YEAR since he saw Paislee at the visitation center. It’s been months since he has seen Aubree and he has NEVER set up a visit at the visitation center with her. 

This conversation is obviously to set up the rest of the episode. Chelsea and Cole are going to check out the center in case Adam decides to set up a visit. Hey, do you think he’ll set up a visit during this episode? 

Mary says that is a sad situation. Chelsea wonders why he hasn’t even set up a visit “just to prove you’re not a piece of shit.” I think we all knew that when Adam sped off from production the last time we saw him on the show that he was speeding into the abyss. It is sad for his daughters, but honestly, they seem better off without him. 

I was happy to see that Chelsea didn’t rip her mom’s head off for asking questions for once in her life. I love Mary. I want to know more of her backstory. Where is her “Being” special?

Cole has the day off so he can hold Chelsea’s hand while she visits the visitation center since she couldn’t possibly do this by herself. Somewhere, Papa Randilicious is smiling that he doesn’t have to shorten his billable hours for these situations anymore. Something about Cole’s mustache is bothering me. Watson has a cute moose hat on.

"I hope we're heading to Wally World!"

I’m now noticing that, of course, Cole’s hat features stars and stripes. Merica! Chelsea says that she has actually been to the visitation center with her dad, but doesn’t remember it. See what I mean? 

Cole is actually raising his voice talking about how they don’t want to have to bring Aubree to “this crap.” Then he actually says Adam needs to get his shit together. WOAH, language Cole! In the words of Amber Portwood,  “this is Teen Mom!” Finally! We all knew he was saying this kind of stuff in private. I’m glad it’s finally on the show and they are not pussyfooting around it anymore. He’s not saying overstepping his role by stating the obvious. The front of Cole’s truck is clean, but the back is filthy. No one cares, but I noticed it, so there it is.

We come back to Chelsea as a palette cleanser after the car dramatics of Jenelle. Surprising no one, the DeBoers have filled out their portion of the paperwork, but Adam still hasn’t. Maybe we won’t see a visit this episode after all. 

They say that the center is nicer than they thought it would be, but they are mad that the center calls Adam to set up appointments. They feel like it is babysitting, which it kind of is, but at least when he no-shows, there will be a record that they gave him every opportunity to succeed and he still fucked up. Chelsea draws the same conclusion. Cole is aggravated, but you can tell that Chelsea, unbelievably, is secure in the knowledge that Adam is a predictable piece of shit and he’s not really getting away with anything.  Adam apparently asked to spend lunch with Aubree, but hasn’t actually gone to that either. Cole is slowly turning into Randy.

Leah- 

Leah is excitedly babbling in the car to the twins and they give zero fucks...

...Until she mentions going to Hawaii. Ali asks if they can go first-class. Normally, this would make me roll my eyes at how spoiled a question that is, but who knows what Ali’s future holds. So, sure, take those kids to Hawaii first-class. YOLO. Ali says she couldn’t eat for five days. Gracie is back to jamming to her music. Leah is way too excited to see Little Sugar Packets. Ali’s gold jacket is #goals as the kids say. Do the kids say that? IDK. There’s way too much screaming. Next segment, please.

Oh wait, it’s still going. I thought for sure they would cut to another girl. Why do we bother with this 5 girl format if there’s going to be so much filler? It’s 6 girls if you count Javi. Oh yeah, because we’ve got the road rage scene we have to save for the last 5 minutes of the episode. The scene continues and Leah mentions to Victoria (aka Oreo) that Ali has been sick and they are seeing Dr. Tsao soon. Looking into my crystal ball, I am going to guess he suggests that Ali use her power wheelchair more and wear her helmet.

Dramatic music ensues and Leah’s voiceover says she just got some really bad news…about Ali’s aide. Phew, I wasn’t ready for a hospital scene yet. Leah is so mad that she can barely formulate words. Gracie asks what is wrong and Leah explains that the principal told her that they are dropping Ali’s aide for no reason. I’m sure there was a reason. Probably some budget thing. I’m not saying it was a good reason. Just a reason. Ali hadn’t been paying attention, but when she hears that she won’t have her aide anymore she says “But, but, but Mom…” She thinks this is a punishment. Poor kid.

Leah gets out of the car and talks to her producer Brendan. We see that Ali is listening to the conversation, despite Leah’s attempt to keep them from picking up on her energy. She says that Ali can’t always carry her backpack. Hmm, do you guys think, and stay with me here, that her wheelchair might have a handle or table or other storage space for said backpack? She also says that Ali “can’t always wipe.” She’s 8 years old. This is sad. Brendan is making sure to break this down into very simple terms, as though none of the audience understands why Ali needs helps and that this is a shitty development. We get it, Brendan, you don’t need to draw us a picture.

Corey is going to watch Aleeyah (now we’re calling her by her actual, horribly spelled name) while Leah takes Ali to the doctor’s office. They tease her about her lipstick. They discuss the same story again. I am impressed that they both mention Ali’s IEP (individual education plan-thanks MTV for breaking that down). 

We get more detail on how the principal dropped the bomb on Leah, shrugged, and walked back into her office. No wonder Leah was pissed. Corey Tyler is also pissed and he says they shouldn’t have to worry about getting a note from Dr. Tsao to support her having an aide. “Now we have to worry about ‘is Ali having lunch?’” He says he’s tempted to keep her home and when the school sends them a letter about missing too many days throw this in their faces. I get where he’s coming from, but I shudder at the thought of those two trying to homeschool Ali. Although, still a better situation than Farrah homeschooling Sophia.

Briana- 

The girls are still in Miami, with Javi’s annoying face. I still have no idea why Briana let him stay after last week’s episode. But I still haven’t seen Dre after all this build up. Could it be that Briana bluffed about him coming to take care of them? She says he’s still coming when Javi leaves, “but we’ll see what happens.” Devoin makes it into his second contiguous episode. Briana calls Roxy and gives her the third degree about what Devoin has been doing. Briana balks when she tells her that he slept in her bed. Girl, you made a baby with him, relax. He’s not bringing randos there with your mom in the next room. Like absolutely everyone that watches this show, Roxanne predicted that Javi would show up in Miami. 

Briana does that wishy-washy thing every girl that knows she’s being played does where she pretends like she doesn’t know where they stand. Her mother says what every mother in this situation says to their daughter-don’t fall for it and respect yourself. She offers to drive down there that instant and says she will “pull a ninja move on him.” I don’t really think that a middle-aged woman with Lupus could really take a 20 something male who’s obsessed with cross fit, but I would like to see her try.

It’s the day of Briana’s surgery and Javi is driving her so he can get his precious screen time. He’s awfully smiley for someone who thought this surgery would be bad for his reputation at work. Briana is getting a mommy makeover. Why do these girls do this so early? Get yourself sterilized, then get your makeover. Me and my logic. Word on the internet is that Briana didn’t like how her boob job turned out. You get what you pay for, just saying. 

Dr. Miami calls her “mami” and Javi glares at the camera. Yup, he’s going to have his hands over your girl Javi. And there ain't shit you can do about it. I hate him so much. 

Want some fries with that salt, Papi?

A caption appears that says “Somewhere between Orlando and Miami.”

Brittany is driving, Devoin is in the passenger seat, Nova, Stella, and Roxanne are in the backseat. DeJesus H. Christ, can this family let anyone do anything alone? Briana has Shirley and a nurse there. This took a few days, right? A week at most. I can’t decide which is more pathetic: this scene or when Brittany and Roxanne sat in the parking lot for the entirety of Briana’s first day of college. I never use this term, but this is so EXTRA. 

Britt says that she got about 2 hours of sleep so she could drive to Miami to be “Captain Save-a-Ho.” I thought that was Javi’s nickname. Devoin is wisely listening to his headphones to drown out the Javi shit talking. Teen Mom 2: brought to you by Beats by Dre. Not the Dre we haven’t seen yet. Dr. Dre. I’m sure he’s hoping he can sneak off to the club while they have some big dramatic scene at the hotel.

Briana is a hot mess after her surgery. You’ve all seen the picture by now, but I’ll add it in here.

Briana’s actual nurse is slowly walking her inside to her rental towards Shirley. Unsurprisingly, Briana is whining that she’s dying. Nurse Javi is coming up behind her with a pillow. “To the rescue!” he whispers. Briana asks Shirley if she called her mom. She tries again and Briana starts crying “she’s not answering!” Well, I guess it is a good thing they all piled in the Kia Sedona and drove to Miami. It’s not like you have three other adults plus a camera crew to help you or anything. Briana says she feels like she is dying and Javi hugs her. I vomit in my mouth a little bit.

Shirley gets a call and Brittany ever so sweetly says “Can you come downstairs and let me in the fucking door?” Nice introduction. Roxanne follows Brittany in and asks what floor it is. Then she finally asks how Shirley is doing. About fucking time someone cared about Shirley. Thankfully, it appears they dropped Devoin and the girls off to rest, but for all I know they could be in the car. Heaven forbid we trust Devoin with children.

“Oh my god. You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me, “ says Javi. Which is a fair reaction, but you know he’s pissed that he can’t run his game now. Roxanne goes into Briana’s room and Briana says “Oh my god!” This is supposed to be dramatic, but I can’t imagine that drugged up Briana isn’t happy to see her mom in her condition.

Annnnnd I’m right. Briana’s crying that Roxanne wasn’t answering and she was having a panic attack. But I was also wrong, Nova and Stella must be in the car because they mention bringing them in to see Briana. Brittany is loudly saying that they came because they know Briana is a crybaby and because they don’t trust Javi.  Javi can smell the cauldron bubbling and knows the spell casting is about to begin. He says he is placing out to the nearest hotel. Javi is a mouse. I think I spy Larry the producer in the mirror.

They bring the girls and Devoin in. Devoin introduces himself to Javi and they sit awkwardly. 

The face you make when the coven is mad at someone else for once

You can see the panic all over Javi’s face. Somewhere, tonight Kail is laughing hysterically watching this. Now Javi is packing and asking why Devoin is there. This man is in the military folks. Roxanne walks in and calls Javi out on his fame whoring. Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin it. Javi quivers as he tries to talk his way out of this mess. Roxanne is wearing a hat that says “VACATION.”

She lies and tells Javi she genuinely likes him, but she can only do it for one breath before she calls him sneaky. She says everything we’re all thinking. She doesn’t seem to understand how deployments work. She tells Javi to “Go back to Kail, go back to the iPod…” which is such a grandma thing to say. Javi says he’s not dating Roxanne or Brittany. Oh, Javi, you might not want to be dating all of the DeJesuses, but they only come in a set. Ask Devoin, he’ll tell you.

Javi puts on his backpack and gets ready to run screaming into the night as far as his legs will carry him from estrogen dominance. He mutters about the DeJesus family destroying his image. What-ev-er!

Don't let the door hit you on the way out!

Brittany is singing about Captain Save-a-Ho. Girl, you realize you're calling your sister a ho, right?

Kail-

MTV is doubling down on Kail's boys being ninja raccoons:

Kail is back from Hawaii too. Kail says that Chris texted her when she got back and called her a “shit mom.” Kail says she’s “doing all the things she said she wouldn’t” like filing for child support. Then she says that Chris said he wasn’t going to cheat on her and that he was going to be a good dad. If the internet is to be believed, Kail was actually the side chick in their love story. If Kail is to be believed, Lux was planned. I haven’t bought that story from the time she started telling it. Kail is pissed that due to her income, Chris will not be assessed child support to his full abilities. Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme…

Kailyn’s coming out of the courthouse after the child support meeting. They agreed to more than the bare minimum. JC (her producer) asks if she is happy. Is Kail ever happy? She says she’s being nice, then says “you’re welcome, Chris,” and does this weird bow. That was the whole scene.

"What can I say except you're welcome! For that month without child support!"

The episode ends with the Teen Mom Scrapbook in black and white as though Murky Dismal stole all its colors.

Next Week on This Shitshow!-

It's somehow the season finale already?!? Didn't OG's last season run for like 6 months or was it just that boring?

Adam's parents are begging to lose their visitation when they invite Adam over to visit Aubree for Easter (?) behind Chelsea's back.

Ali's breathing test shows that she is having difficulty breathing.

Javi is still featured in two segments of this show. Two weeks from now: "Teen Mom 2 Finale Special: A Check-Up with Dr. Drew - Part One: The Quest to Quench Javi's Thirst."

UBT tries to sneak on set like no one will notice his lumberjack ass.

A Note from The Mad Hatter- 

I appreciate the continued patience of my handful of readers during the delay in getting these recaps up. I should be able to catch up soon now that the season is winding down. I have some ideas for between season to give you your Teen Mom drama fix.