All the Teen Mom Viewers Act Like They Forgot About Dre

Teen Mom 2 Season 8 Episode 10

 “Forgot About Dre”

First of all, I definitely forgot about Dre, because I’m barely awake during most of Briana’s segments.

PREVIOUSLY ON TEEN MOM 2- Why didn’t they show when Babs called David a piece of shit followed by Jace saying it? I mean, I know why and it's because Barb is our hero. She’s my hero, but I still think it was a missed opportunity.

Our story begins in the DeJesus family apartment. Briana tells us via voiceover that a nurse will be taking care of her and Shirley for the first few days post-op. Then her ex-boyfriend, the aforementioned Dre, will take over. She goes over the kind of surgeries she will be getting, but I didn’t pay attention because I don’t care. Tummy, boobs, and butt I believe. 

They discuss that Javi is no longer invited to Miami because he and Briana broke up. They mention him running to Kail’s podcast, which we saw in the previous episode. Briana says he can get attention from his ex. Apparently, Javi can get attention from Kail, Briana, and his newest baby mama Lauren all at the same time. My question is how? They need to stop swearing in front of Nova, but she’s ignoring them and playing video games. A wise decision.

Over in Sioux Falls, Aubree is doing gymnastics. Aubree in gymnastics seems less unsavory than Gracie in tumbling. Have I been sucked in by the Chelsea good girl edit? Nope, it’s about the makeup for me. Chelsea puts Aubree’s hair in a messy bun, the classic DeBoer style. I presume they showed up late or right on time because that is their modus operandi. No shame, this is how I roll.

Back on the couch, Chelsea is telling Chelsey Grace (aka Belinda) about her recent doctor’s appointment. Baby girl DeBoer was moving a lot. Chelsea says it’s that time of the year again and I get confused because she was just talking about “making babies on the reg” so I thought she was saying it was the time of year for being pregnant. But no, she’s talking about the father-daughter dance. Even Aubree is bored with this storyline. 

Aubree is shunned to the playroom with her iPad, so Chelsea squared can talk shit about Adam, as is tradition. They won’t even play up the will Adam show up angle this time because we all know he won’t. Chelsea says that when she probed Aubree about it she casually said she doesn’t even think about it. CG pumps her fist and says, “that’s my girl!” Adam’s a piece of shit, but I don’t know if this is a fist pump moment. She backpedals this a bit.

Leah, Jeremy, Allie, and Addie are at a party store buying stuff for the joint birthday party they are throwing for Addie’s birthday. How old is Addie going to be? Hell if I know! Jeremy is still watching Leah’s spending. He asks how much some balloons are. They’re fucking balloons for your daughter’s birthday. You supposedly make good money, plus you and your ex are on the clock right now, getting paid to be on this show. I think you can afford them.

Addie’s party is at SKY ZONE, a trampoline park. “This is the best birth control in the world,” says Jeremy Calvert, father of the year. But real talk, this show is part of my family planning regimen. I also know exactly how annoying the sounds of children jumping on trampolines can be because my neighbors have one. Three months out of the year, minimum, I am subjected to the screams. I keep waiting for them to get sick of it, but they don’t. Because trampolines are fun. 

Jeremy’s being a stick in the mud and not jumping. Ali, helmet-free of course, is also jumping with Gracie. Addie gets a hoverboard or a hands-free Segway or something because that won’t result in an accident for one of the members of the A team at all.

In the whirlwind state of Delaware, Kail says things are better with Javi lately. That will happen when you’re doing it. Oh sorry, I guess I should have put in a spoiler alert because Kail drops this bomb later in the episode. But we all knew, even before we saw the preview for this episode.

Javi, star of Teen Mom 2, asks Kail to watch Lincoln over at his house while he works out. She gets to the door and this is the exchange:

Javi: “What’s the password?”

Kail: “Uh, Kail is the best?”

Ladies and gentlemen, a pair of dorks in their natural habitat. Yeah, they were definitely hooking up when this was filmed. Kail plays "the best video ever," which is the boys talking about tacos. Look, Isaac is my favorite kid on this whole series, but that taco video was nothing special.

Over on The Land, I’m surprised Jenelle even knows what formula is, let alone how to make it. She holds Ensley and takes off her jacket and says, “Multitasking Mom!” This is what she thinks multitasking is? The bar is so low.

In North Carolina, Barb sounds like all of my adult relatives raving about how they got the best deal. She's excited about some new bargain luggage she recently purchased. “Eight dollahs!” She’s not lying about luggage getting damaged at the airport. All of my luggage is broken, and I am going to have to break down and get a new set. Where did you get your $8 luggage Barb? TJ Maxx? Marshalls? Penney’s? Walmart? That’s a strong possibility, now that I think of it. Hit me up in the comments section. I bet if I asked on her Instagram she would answer.

She’s talking to her son, the elusive Colin. I believe we saw him once before when Jenelle and Barb visited him. I think it was during the scene where she talked about being in an abusive relationship. He had his own place then, but it sounds like he has been living with Barbara and Jace for a while. Barbara is talking about how angry and violent it is over on The Land, and while I believe that’s the case, I’m side-eyeing this a little bit. Colin has schizophrenia and I hope that his medication is regulating it. I don’t think Barbara would let him stay if he was having episodes, but she also has a huge blind spot when it comes to her children.

Case in point, she says David has brainwashed Jenelle. Has he though? I don’t think that’s quite it. Jenelle takes on the personality of every guy she dates. Aside from loving weed, Olive Garden alfredo, and Kesha, Jenelle has no strong personality traits. Her one major dislike is her mother. Every boyfriend Jenelle has ever had has learned that the best way to endear themselves to Jenelle is to hate on Barb. Barbara does love Jenelle, so she doesn’t want to believe this. Every time shit goes south, Jenelle runs back to her mom knowing she can manipulate her into helping her. Barb hopes every time that this will be the leap home, i.e. Jenelle focusing on herself and her kids. But then Jenelle just leaps onto the next available dick and leaves her mom in the dust.

Then this conversation takes a fucking detour. Barbara is asking Colin if he remembers how he and Jenelle were best friends as kids. Then Colin says, “The rat in the backyard we buried, member?” Then Barbara gets quiet and looks at him like WTF?!? There’s a long awkward pause until she gathers her composure and goes back to her train of thought. Which is probably a smart move, but I can’t focus on that right now.

The rat. In the backyard. That we buried. Member?

I have so many questions.

What rat? Was it one of the many lost, forgotten, abandoned, abused Evans pets? Was it a wild rat? Why did they bury it? Was it dead? Was it alive? This is Schrödinger’s Rat now. When did this happen? How old were they? Why wasn’t this story included in Jenelle’s diary book? Barbara was complicit in this rat burying. This is my Rosebud. This is my McDonald’s schezuan sauce. This is the question I want to be answered during a live show.

“Then that one time she cut her hair off and acted like a guy…” Did she enroll as a high school student so that she could write a story for the local newspaper? Did she change her name to Terry?

Barb says she is going to let Jenelle take Jace to therapy and the music gets dramatic. Is MTV trying to hint to us that we’re going to see the alleged footage of Jenelle’s road rage incident? In the 911 call, Jenelle made sure to specify that she was on the way home from taking her son to therapy. Is Jenelle making sure to word her 911 calls carefully because she knows they will get leaked? Also, I’m not by any means a skilled makeup artist, but Jenelle’s contour as usual needs blending.

Kail and Leah have an awkward, staged phone call about their podcast in Atlanta and vacation to Hawaii together. You know when someone immediately says yes to going on a trip without any information on the timeframe that there was a prior conversation. Especially when they both have three children. Jesus, once Chelsea pops out her newest Colespawn all of the original cast will have three. I can’t imagine that Briana will be far behind, even though the next scene is Briana talking to Shirley about their plastic surgery, again.

Surprise, surprise, Javi is pissed that Dre will be helping the girls after their surgeries. You know that Briana deliberately chose Dre, her ex-boyfriend, to take care of them as a fuck you to Javi. Dre is definitely her standby. She called him in to piss off Luis at her baby shower and since that worked like gangbusters she figured it would work again. What woman doesn’t want another woman to help take care of them after a surgery like this? But I guess she did hire a nurse who got to be the lucky one to “wipe her ass” in Briana’s words. Wherever you are, nurse, you deserve combat pay.

I’m going to make an obvious statement here: Javi is weird. Also, hypocritical. He has the nerve to call Briana disrespectful for having contact with another man while he is juggling three women. He wants to be this alpha male and control his women. He wants to be the man of the house while his woman stays at home barefoot and pregnant. But he keeps choosing strong-willed women (who are, granted, more talk than action). Kail and Briana are not the delicate flowers he is looking for. I was going to say I hope this new girl Lauren that he has impregnated is, but am I really hoping that? I guess everyone deserves love, but I also feel like he might be best forever alone with his caveman attitude.

We’re back to Chelsea and I am so happy I paused at this moment because someone made an animation of Phil the Great Dane giving Pete the pig a haircut. Where’s Pete’s cape Phil? You’re not following proper sanitation! I bet he’s not even licensed. For cosmetology, I mean. I’m sure he has a dog license. I miss seeing these guys.

Cole’s getting a haircut for the father-daughter dance. Yawn. At least he’s wearing a cape. Homegirl is not wearing an apron. She must really enjoy hair splinters. Fucking hair splinters. Now he’s buying flowers and a corsage. This is boring, but it is kind of nice to see Cole without Chelsea to baby talk with.

I just want to say; my school never had a daddy-daughter dance. I’m really glad they didn’t. I think this was mainly down to a tiny budget, but I just think it opens a can of worms. There are plenty of girls with deadbeat dads, dads who live in another state, dads away on business or in the military, or dads that have died. 

Also, it’s a little creepy. It reminds me of those weird purity ceremonies where the dad gives the daughter a promise ring and the daughter wears a tiny wedding dress. Then a few years later that same girl decides to marry the first man she dates seriously so that she can have sex without sinning and stays with him for far too long because divorce is also a sin.

I’m sure no one even thinks about this stuff anymore. They just think it will be cute for the girls to get dressed up and feel like they’re grown up. That’s fine. I’m not saying Cole’s a creep. I just think the whole event sets up girls who already have low self-esteem about their paternal relationships to feel lower.

I like that Cole calls both kids his little sweeties regardless of their genders. That dancing in the living room is such a dad move. It’s nice seeing fathers that enjoy being fathers on this show. Aubrey’s dress is cute.

Side note- is anyone else having sound issues with this show randomly? Or is my tv dying?

Jenelle’s friend Jamie (who some people have hypothesized is a production plant) comes over so Jenelle can tell her version of Barbara letting her take Jace to therapy. That “flower forest” just looks like a swamp to me, but what do I know? Oh wait, I too lived in a swamp. With a redneck even! Imagine how boring it must be to be Jenelle’s friend. “Hey, do you want to hang out?” “Sure, what did you have in mind?” “Why don’t you come over to my LAND to the woods and just stand around talking.” “Or we could go to the beach?”

Jamie hints that Barbara and Jenelle have their own stuff they should work out in therapy, because duh, and Jenelle pays zero attention to this as usual. Then Jamie asks the exact same question she asked Jenelle last episode, when can Jace decide where he wants to live. I detect a hint of annoyance in Jenelle’s eyes that I can’t blame her for. It’s ten, Jamie. Ten! Read your script again! But I call bullshit on Jenelle not pushing Jace about where he wants to live. We’ve seen her do it many, many times. They both do it to Jace. Neither one of you is 100% right.

Devoin has dropped by to get his screen time color with Nova. Devoin is going to stay and help Roxanne and Brittany while Briana is away. I’m still not sure why he couldn’t just take Nova to his own place, but as always, we have to make sure there are as many people crammed into that apartment as possible. Roxanne really seems to like Devoin now. Sometimes she’s putting her hand on his knee, sometimes she’s on a table in a restaurant screaming at him. Briana gives Devoin instructions on how to take care of his daughter that he could literally google. Feed her, read to her, make sure she does her homework, make sure she brushes her teeth. He’s going to be with your mother and sister. Nova will be fine.

Leah’s meeting Kail in her hotel room. Kail comments that Leah’s room smells like nail polish. With that, the internet goes wild speculating which drug smells like nail polish! Sometimes, hotel rooms just have weird smells, guys. But it’s definitely meth, right?

They go to a restaurant, the name of which I managed not to retain despite the extreme closeup of their sign. Kail is asking Leah if she has talked to any of the other cast members. Is it me or did it seem like Kail implied that she doesn’t talk to Chelsea that much anymore? This is after the Briana Kail drama from the previous reunion but before the Briana Kail drama from the most recent reunion that has not yet aired. Such fresh content MTV, btw. During the most recent reunion, Briana and Brittany jumped Kail who was standing next to a pregnant Chelsea. I imagine Chelsea may have distanced herself from Kail after that, but at the previous reunion, they seemed to be buddies during Kail’s attempt to get Briana kicked off the show. Anyway…

I like that MTV is showing the shit they position social media now. I keep up with it mainly through other people who follow the cast on social media, but you miss out on a lot if you only watch the show. Of course, by the time you actually see the show, you already know the gist of what happened. But still, MTV, thank you.

Open up your Teen Mom dictionaries, because Leah gifts us with another new word:

  

Luhow

/ ‘loo/hou/

noun 

          A Hawaiian dance show. Often confused with a luau.

The schools aren’t well.

They talk about the podcast and how their relationships with Javi and Jeremy are similar and irrational. Kail says Javi will never admit it, but he tries to get with her all the time. Uh, Kail, he doesn’t just try, he succeeds. They say that neither of the guys will admit to wanting to get back together on camera. But Jeremy literally asked Leah if she wanted to get back together on camera like an episode or two ago. They both come clean and say that they both hooked up with their exes. Leah blames alcohol. Both claim they don’t feel anything.

Leah says she wants to be an example to her girls about how relationships should be. Then stop confusing Addie by having her around while you and Jeremy flirt with each other. Kail says she can take care of herself “if you know what I mean.” I do know what you mean and thanks for the image. Just in case you didn’t know what Kail meant, the Teen Mom book (scrapbook?) appears and starts to vibrate. All joking aside, once they get out what the producers want them to say, they seem to have fun with each other.

Phil and Pete are back and they’re dancing! Last time Pete seemed to be playing Cole, but now Phil has a boutonniere, So I guess now Pete is Aubree? I don’t know, and I don’t care. I am here for dancing cartoon animals.

We get a couple of pictures from the dance. It appears Cole and Aubree stopped by the local DQ to presumably grill as well as chill. Chelsea is obsessed with the details of the dance as usual. Just buy the fake mustache and sneak in already, Chelsea. Watson is there, being an infant.

Jenelle and Jace are in the car after therapy. Jace picks up some stickers because he’s a kid and also because he’s probably bored of Jenelle talking about how much she wanted to go to therapy just the two of them. He asks what the stickers are for and Jenelle answers in her best adult speaking to a small child voice “That, is for the National Rifle Association, the NRA!” Yeah, MTV is definitely foreshadowing the road rage incident. She has a huge smile on her face. I am wondering if she is thinking about how happy this will make David. Jace is not impressed. Then she tells Jace how they are going to a restaurant on stilts. “Just me and you!” she says in a sickeningly sweet voice.

Since I haven’t mentioned it yet, this is our first episode after David aka Uncle Bad Touch aka UBT (and do not ask me to explain that acronym again because it is a widely known nickname) was fired from the show. Jenelle is milking this one on one visit for all it is worth like it was her idea. In reality, she was forcibly removed from UBT’s hip to earn her paycheck. He was not allowed to be in the vicinity of the camera crew during filming. There’s no way she wouldn’t have brought him to dinner if she could have.

Jenelle sticks it to Barb and her rules by ordering Jace a virgin strawberry daiquiri AND a COKE! Why did she order them at the same time? I love both of those beverages and I could have easily drunk both in one sitting as a child, but, like, wait for him to finish one first.

They finish dinner and head down to the dock. Thank you, people of Reddit, for pointing out that this is the same dock where, correct me if I am wrong, James Duffy, took nude photos of Jenelle years ago. Jenelle didn’t include that in the tale of the good old days of her childhood for obvious reasons. She makes sure to get a picture of the two of them for social media. Then she calls Jace “Bubba” which irritates the shit out of me because this is UBT’s nickname for Kaiser. So much for making Jace feel special. If those two ever break up, I bet she drops this Bubba shit like a hot potato.

PSA time! Definitely hit up ITSYOURSEXLIFE.COM for everything about preventing pregnancy and STDs because you’re sure as hell not going to learn it from watching this show!

Back in Atlanta, everyone’s getting dolled up, FOR A PODCAST. Leah is pretending she knows stuff about makeup since she’s got to keep that Lipsense business going. She asked during contract negotiations for next season for a makeup artist and MTV said no. I say, give it to her, on the condition that she has to include her new boyfriend on the show on camera. I think it is bullshit they kept her previous boyfriend T.R. Dues off camera. It would be one thing if she had kept it a secret from the crew, but dude and his kids lived with Leah and the girlses.

Kail comes in and announces that Jeremy wants to call into the podcast to mess with Leah. Leah says it is fine. If you haven’t listened to Coffee and Convos, don’t. It is boring as hell and there are a ton of ads. Neither Lindsey (Kail’s cohost) nor Kail are good at promotion or segways. It’s very all over the place. Any good details will end up on the internet or in a radar online post, so don’t waste your time.

Poor shy Leah is being made to answer questions live while someone is taking photos of her. Kail asks Leah if she would go back to Jeremy “just for kids.” Then she asks Jeremy if he would have another child with Leah. I guess Kail said she would want sperm from Lux’s dad Chris on one of these podcasts. They’re obsessed with talking about having more kids on the podcast, not just this episode. Maybe that’s why it annoys me so much since I am happily childfree. I don’t know what I expect from a show about teen mothers but going back to your ex that you don’t want to date just to have another child seems like a terrible plan.

In Florida, they are discussing the plastic surgery for the millionth time. Briana and Shirley finally leave, but not before Roxanne sucks out Briana’s soul with a deep on the mouth kiss. Briana, now that you’ve got the season 2 pay raise it is time to leave the nest.

In the car, Briana is bitching about Roxanne. Not about their makeout session, but about her inviting Devoin to stay. She always complains about Devoin doing nothing for Nova, but when he tries she gets pissed. Pick a lane, Briana. Javi texted Briana to ask if he could meet them in Miami. Briana said absolutely not, like that wasn’t what she expected would happen the entire time. Shirley wouldn’t be surprised if he popped up. Briana says that would be a major problem. You’ll NEVER guess what happens while Briana is at the doctor’s office during Shirley’s surgery.

I am shocked. SHOCKED!

And that’s the end of the episode. We close on Pete and Phil dancing and karate raccoons that showed up earlier during Kail’s segment while the boys were doing martial arts.

NEXT WEEK ON THIS SHITSHOW:

Kail and Leah skydive. Leah says Ali’s been sick a few times.

Paisley (Taylor and Adam’s daughter) asks Aubree if Cole is her dad, which is, I’m sure a story Chelsea will retell over and over with glee.

Javi tries to convince Briana to get back together with him by telling her he has someone who is willing to move to Dover for him (Lauren, and you know, he is also banging Kail). Solid strategy.

Barbara says that David spanked Kaiser “so hard” and then we see Nathan and Barbara at a restaurant together. Nathan wipes away his crocodile tears as he says he feels like a bad father because there’s “nothing he can do.” 

Also, we never saw Dre once in this episode.